The End of 2018 & An Ode to My Failed Relationships
and just like that, we bid adieu to what we've known as 2018. This year has been pivotal, life-changing, and eye-opening. Although I didn't get to flaunt my fatty on somebody's Caribbean Island not once, I celebrated a series of wins in the professional department. As some of you may know, I'm a full-time entrepreneur which wasn't by choice when I got fired from my job last year. Devasted because I was jobless and broke once again, I decided to have a conversation with God because I needed to know wtf was going on. It's funny because whenever my life starts going to shit, I turn to prayer and then suddenly I get a SHIFT. I told God and The Universe that I will put 150% of myself into my business. The no's and rejections turned my stagnation into motivation and before I knew it, I was working harder than ever before. Granted that I spend more time on my laptop than I do chilling and have been the same complexion since last winter, my 2018 brought many lessons and blessings in my professional life. Doing the work, watching countless Youtube tutorials, and practicing my craft has manifested an abundance of cash-flow, clients, and community that I'm ever-so-grateful for...
but a b*tch personal life has been on tilt.
I'm not even gonna hold ya'll, this year has sucked for my personal relationships. Like when I mean friends were dropping like flies, I had to question my sanity like "B*tch are you crazy or nah?". But what I realized is that I was evolving, that I was shedding skin and stepping into my authentic self. I've lost a few women around me who I once loved (still loved that's why I was salty). One thing I've learned is that you have to see yourself in others because often times they are the mirrors to our souls. My always-gotta-be-right-ass (I'm a Cancer sun, Saggie Moon, and Leo rising...which can translate to a b*tch with tsunami ass emotions with a touch of forest fires), realized that even though I was choosing to let go of others, I must also choose to let go parts of myself that I no longer needed and boy was that HAARD (You gotta say that with the Niecy voice from Moesha; if you don't know what I'm talking about idk if we can be friends...jk)! I found myself getting upset whenever energy wasn't reciprocated, so BOOM... I had to stop over-extending myself. I found myself getting angry whenever I felt used so BOOM, I had to decide whether or not I was giving from the heart or out of manipulation. Although I do believe that we all are victims of other people's trauma at times, we must take initiative and set the tone on how we want to be loved and hold ourselves accountable for the problems around us. My relationships had to go to shit in order for me to get the wake-up call I needed to change because ya girl was just setting herself up for drama. With a new set of 365 days approaching, I want to pass on a few gems to you. Gems from me learning and fucking up countless times to say I earned this badge of experience. Solely because I want to save you the time, heartache, and trauma of saving yourself from your-self. If you're still rocking with me, see below in which ways you can create peace and harmony with the people in your life all 2019 and beyond.
#1 Stop cutting people off cold turkey without saying a word.
Now before y'all hit me with the side-eye, hear me out. I'm working on breaking out of my passive aggressive tendencies which included silent treatments and disappearing acts (scissor queen over here!). Whenever someone would upset me, I wouldn't say anything the first few times it would happen. Then randomly I would be pushed to my limit, spazz the fuck out, and then proceed to hand myself the scissors to cut them off. This is wrong for many reasons but I'm gonna share just one. Cutting someone off without explanation is cheating them of the opportunity to grow into a better person for themselves and others and stunts your growth while silencing your truth and potentiality. You were once forgiven too, imagine what life would be like if the people you love gave up on you.
When somebody upsets you should go head' tell them (Okay I did say that with the Kanye "Big Brother" voice, I'm done I promise) and give them the opportunity to change even if "they" say a leopard rarely changes its spots. Try finding a way to communicate your hurt that expresses your truth and starts a healthy dialogue. If that person can empathize, apologize, and hold themselves accountable, you have reached a new level of communicating effectively for a lifetime my dear. If they become irate, gaslight you, or refuse to take accountability, then you have no choice than but to protect your peace and remove yourself temporarily. Take time from them but don't completely shut the door if they end up coming back around.
#2 Filter, categorize and compartmentalize the people in your life.
I think this is pretty self-explanatory. Know who is who in your life, their role, and the energy they choose to give you. I find that often times we set our expectations too high whenever we choose to give. I also found out that we get hella hurt when we give away energy that we haven't used ourselves, causing our own resentment. If you know someone is only inviting you out to pick your brain, choose to give them only 15-20 mins of your time. If your friend goes out her way to make your birthday amazing, make sure you prioritize her birthday when that time comes around. Plus when you categorize people you limit their effect on your wellbeing which is always a bonus because you'll be unbothered AF. Know where people stand and compartmentalize them accordingly; you can always give but always be discretionary of how much you give and to who when playing Jeopardy with your heart which brings me to my next gem...
#3 Keep people around you who feed your soul and distance yourself from the ones who take from it and do nothing to replenish it.
If your family drains you, you can learn to love them, but from waaaaay over there. When you find someone you feel safe and authentic with keep them around and immerse yourself in their energy. Now I want you to understand that distancing yourself from someone doesn't mean that you should cut them off, but rather put loving space in between you both for your own peace of mind and for their own personal development. While you're keeping them way over there, that person is gonna fall on their ass a few more times before they start glowing and growing (you too my love), so leave healthy space in between you both to reconcile and reconnect once your cups have been filled apart on your own time. Whether "takers" choose to use up your time, money, resources, or energy place boundaries and let them know their limit and yours from the jump. When we allow people to take from us we then proceed to take from the friends who can fill our cups resulting in a continuous chain of pouring into half-full cups.
Well thanks for reading my latest TED Talk! I've pretty much did the opposite of everything I said for most of this year and have recently shifted my thought process on relationships. I've been taught to view actions from others as either an act of love or a cry for love. I've also learned that you have got to learn how to love people impersonally, meaning that you should have compassion for someone without letting them affect you personally (Shoutout to Chango Didi). I feel like had I've done these things before, I may have still had my friends. Had I simply spoke my truth and communicated that we'd be kicking it right now instead of this unspoken animosity I started and finished. But I've learned it now to ensure that I would become more patient and understanding into the future; that I wouldn't feel offended because my love was enough to make me feel any type of way. I'm not perfect and I don't have everything figured out. I'm growing and learning day by day and I am hoping that my experiences will inspire you to challenge yourself by living life a little more freely by letting go and opening yourself up to a love that you can only give to yourself.