THE LOTUS

They say a lotus spends most of its time in the murkiest and muddiest of ponds, patiently waiting for its turn to bloom above the still waters.  Each petal awaiting its turn to blossom, one after the other before blooming in unison. The sludgy pond waters are no longer the reason for hindrance but rather the vessel for transformation. 

As I journey into my 26th solar return, I'm beginning to realize the same woman looking back at me was no more. She's trudged in the mud for so long, that she can't even recognize her petals and is in fact, astounded by them. Let me give you a glimpse of my situation a few years back to grasp the picture. In the beginning of 2015, "Loss" had moved right on in and made a permanent residence inside of my home. Loss was habitual if anything, as I watched it slowly dim my light.

  •  I got laid off from a cool job within the luxury/exotic automotive industry.
  • I accepted a lower wage position making half the pay as my previous position.
  • I was broke living from paycheck to paycheck and lost control of my finances.
  • I got my heart A-Town stomped on by an NYC f*ckboy who came and went as he pleased.
  • My GPA dropped from a 3.9 all the way down to a 3.0 during my senior year.
  • I lost my sense of self-worth and confidence and spent countless days on my IG timeline comparing myself to strategic feeds.
  • I lost a couple of friends who I went through hell and high waters for.
  • I didn't feel secure with my career and let my insecurities shadow my abilities.
  • Actually feeding into the gossip that was formed against me.

It felt like Loss wouldn't end her antics, as I watched my entire life literally go to shit. I was losing control of everything around me, sort of like that Mr. Krabs spinning meme.  But see the way the Universe is set-up, all of my drawbacks and hindrances would be essential for my blossoming. In order to receive all that would be intrinsically bestowed upon me, I would have to master the art of letting go. 

I learned that not everyone is going to be your friend and not every f*ckboy deserves a chance. 

Now the art of letting go is just as simple as it sounds...let-that-ish-go!  It requires your discernment to let go of the things that don't serve a purpose or lightening up whatever's in that heavy ass load of yours. If your job is stressing you out, quit. If that f*ckboy left you on read, leave him in yesterday! Life is too short to let negative experiences shape the way we experience it. Give yourself the time and space to heal, and don't feel selfish about it. I grew tired of feeling unhappy and decided to part ways with my depression. I had to let go of feelings of uncertainty and unworthiness in order to feel bliss. I had to let go of my fears of being judged by spectators and focus on being a better player.  I had to not let the opinions of others influence the way I viewed myself. I was on a cleaning spree and threw everything out that caused me more harm than good TF out! Most importantly, I had to divorce myself from the Almighty Ego that talks you into bad ideas and scolds you within the same breath for doing it in the first place. I gave myself the freedom to blossom; to look beyond my circumstances as setbacks and celebrate my small victories. I gave myself a voice to express myself in the ways I knew how. I gave myself permission to be selective when sharing parts of myself to those who may be undeserving. 

Fast forward to today, where my losses have transformed into victories. Letting go of feelings of animosity and self-doubt has taught me the importance of self-love, affirmations, and healing. That being your own cheerleader is imperative to surviving in the city that never sleeps. I learned that not everyone is going to be your friend and not every f*ckboy deserves a chance. I managed to push past my fears and launch my own business, all the while building my portfolio, fall in love with a man who worships the ground that I walk on, move into my first apartment and be surrounded the most loving and supportive people.

I created this blog as an outlet to express my passion for all things beautiful and whimsical musings on life. So please take the time to subscribe and support ya girl. If you're reading this, I would like to remind you that your time through the mud is temporary, and your struggles will be the driving force towards your blossoming.

Every lotus must trudge through the mud before her petals begin to bloom.

Shot by @biracialbastard

Shot by @biracialbastard